connections, continuity, casserole + 1 angel

“Christmas is not an external event, but a piece of one’s home that one carries in one’s heart.” – Freya Stark

 

The angel gracing the top of our Christmas tree is as old as I am. My mom bought her the year I was born because she thought the angel was beautiful and her cherubic face reminded my mom of my fat little round one. The angel has bright red hair, a sweet wise smile and golden cardboard wings. She floats on a cloud of tightly curled, shiny bright “angel hair” (a fiberglass substance no longer made.) To me, she has always been magnificent.

 

Carefully unpacking the angel and placing her on top of the tree was always one of my favorite Christmas memories. So when my mom died, I was happy to find the angel in my box of family ornaments. I knew that angel would hover as patiently, spectacularly and lovingly over my young family’s festivities as she had when I was growing up. And, even though my kids never saw what was special about “that old cardboard angel mom likes so much,” they understood putting something else on top of our tree was not a possibility.

 

When you think about it, it shouldn’t matter what perches on top of a Christmas tree. After all, it’s not the tree that matters, but the people who gathers around it. Yet little things like seeing that cardboard angel appear year after year warm my heart. They bring a sense of continuity and  connection between things past and present. They also provide a bit of predictability in the face of the uncertainly that lies ahead.

 

Tradition, however, should serve as a guide – not a jailer. W. Somerset Maugham said that and it’s a thought worth pondering as we make our holiday memories. The things we did in the past, no matter how pleasant and precious, may no longer meet the needs of the present. The things we call “tradition” currently may very well change in the future.

 

One tradition in our family is that everyone gets something cozy to wear on Christmas Eve. When the kids were little, the “coz” package was the only gift they got to open that night and it always contained new pajamas. My thought was that Christmas dreams are even sweeter when little dreamers are wearing something soft and warm and new.

 

Now that the kids are grown, we share dinner and open all of our gifts on Christmas Eve, then the kids spend the night. We still start with the “coz” package, but these days it contains anything from a new pair of hiking sox to a soft silky robe. As my son-in-law said one year, “How many pairs of pajama pants does one guy need?” 

 

The menu for our Christmas Eve dinner changes, but our Christmas morning breakfast is always the same. It’s homemade cinnamon rolls and a breakfast casserole my never-evil stepmother made for us for years - only on Christmas morning. The casserole is not that special, but eating it reminds us of times we had together, laughing, unwrapping presents and enjoying each other’s company.

 

We used to travel back to Colorado and spent Christmas with my family. And even though we haven’t done that for years, the taste of that casserole brings back those memories and joins us together again. Some years we call first - they’re eating the casserole; other years they call first and we’re eating the casserole. And, in part because of that casserole, it’s as if, for a moment or two, all those years and miles no longer separate us.  

      

Woody Allen calls tradition “the illusion of permanence” – I like that. While we know nothing is permanent, the illusion of permanence is a precious one, especially since we can’t know where, with whom or under what circumstances we will gather next year. 

 

 

Seeing that cardboard angel floating above the Christmas tree on her bright white angel hair cloud, ever beautiful and resplendent, lifts my heart and gives me a sense of hope and continuity…After all, every year now for 57 years there’s been a tree, a family and a branch for her to perch on.

 

“Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow…so have yourself a merry little Christmas now.” And, may your traditions, old and new, bring you the sense of warmth, continuity and connection that my cardboard angel and that Christmas morning casserole bring to me and my family.

do what we can, the best that we can...

“Life holds beauty, magic and anguish.” – Anne Lamott

 

Christmas Eve is a week away and in a few days we’ll celebrate the Winter Solstice, at least I will, because it’s easier to be hopeful once the days begin to be longer again. I had been clicking along, shopping, wrapping, writing cards and decorating - getting ready for the fun the holidays bring when I was stopped in my tracks. 

 

A young couple I know welcomed their second child, a little girl, last week and a few days later she was gone – suddenly and unexpectedly due to some complications they are still not sure of. As if this is not devastating enough, this same couple lost their first child, a little boy, a few hours after his birth last December. There are no words to speak of this…    

 

My heart is so heavy for them. I can’t imagine…No one can imagine…What the &#* and why? But this, as in the case of so many tragedies, has no “why” and, as Anne Lamott, my favorite author, says, “Why is rarely a useful question.” 

 

I was reading Lamott’s recent book, Stiches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair before hearing this sad news and it’s clear why the book is a New York Times bestseller. It offers page after page of hard- earned and gentle wisdom, different ways of looking bad things when they happen, plus guidance towards the healing that we hope will follow.  

 

Lamott says, “There can be meaning without things making sense.” She then talks about what we can do in times of tragedy, sorrow and chaos – we can “stick together and do what we can.”

 

“What good people can do in the face of great sorrow,” Lamott writes, “We help some time pass for those suffering. We sit with them in their hopeless pain and feel terrible with them, without trying to fix them with platitudes. Doing this with them is just about the most gracious gift we have to offer.”

 

And, what a difficult gift that can be to give. I was an emergency room social worker for years and one of my jobs was to sit with the dying and with the families of the dying or dead. I quickly learned there was, indeed, nothing I could say…All I could do was sit, hold a hand or offer a hug, pray, offer cold water or hot coffee and hand out Kleenex.  

 

Death is a strange thing that comes in many forms. Some deaths are sudden and horrific, complete and absolutely devastating surprises that leave people scarred for life. Other deaths, while no less sad or difficult, are (while perhaps never truly expected) much less shocking. A “good death” is gentle; it takes the soul with dignity. A “bad death” wrenches the guts out of everyone involved, especially the soul and its family.

 

I sometimes felt angels in the room…A calming presence, a lightness of being, a sense of love and quickening peace. Those were the easiest deaths for me. Sometimes the family shared my awareness, other times they did not. But knowing that the soul had a guide always comforted me.

I know there were angels to guide those two poor tiny infants when they died. I also know there were and are angels comforting their brave parents, ever present if sometimes barely felt. That couple doesn’t speak of angel wings, but they do speak humbly and ever thankfully about their friends and family, who draw close to them and do what they can, the best they can.

 

“This is who I think we are supposed to be,” Lamott writes. “People who help call forth human beings from deep inside hopelessness…We help them to bear being in time and space during unbearable times and spaces.” 

 

Christmas, as bright as it is, is also a time of darkness and contrast. That bright star shimmering against the cold of the night…The Wise Men bringing riches to a baby born in poverty… The humbleness and promise of that birth… Glory and miracles juxtaposed against a newborn’s frailty.  

 

Christmas reminds us that we blessed with such bounty, yet, there is great need…I can’t imagine what Mary felt, holding her tiny boy and knowing his destiny…And, I can’t imagine how that young couple felt, giving up their child, not once, but twice…Life is beautiful, yet fragile and fleeting…Light and dark, cold and warmth…We are the shadow and the light.

 

And, so, Lamott writes, “We work hard, we enjoy life as we can, we endure.”  

 

“Keep our little girl in your thoughts,” the young father wrote. “Keep your loved ones close and take nothing and no one for granted”…Wise and powerful advice, not only for the holidays, but for all year long.     

 

 

 

keep it simple...

"Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts." - Janice Maeditere

After stressing over every detail on long holiday lists year after year, I changed my approach. These days my need for perfection and closure is replaced with a genuine enjoyment of all things holiday during this wonderful season – which at our house will stretch from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day. (No need to take down those lights or toss out that tree just yet…January and February are bleak and can benefit from some lingering festivity.)

I started my new approach to the holidays several years ago and each year it gets easier and easier to stay focused on what really matters and not stress about the details. Family matters; gifts do not. Gathering together matters; having an elaborately decorated house does not. Health, love, laughter and sharing matter; shopping ‘til we drop does not.   

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no Grinch. I enjoy shopping for gifts and decorating the house. I like hearing non-stop Christmas music everywhere and I’m a sucker for holiday shows – I watch them over and over again. It makes me happy to hear strangers wish each other “Merry Christmas.” It’s fun to see the holiday wreaths and decorations appear. I smile in traffic when I see a vehicle with antlers and a nose, or a bow, or a wreath. It takes me forever to decorate the tree because I linger over every ornament, savoring the memory it brings back to me. I still send a holiday snail mail card and I genuinely enjoy reading the annual wishes we receive in return. Then there’s the lights - all those bright beautiful lights. They are my favorite - never too many or too gaudy - this time of year.  

As you can see, I love almost everything about Christmas…It’s just that I’ve learned to keep things in perspective. No overspending, no big pile of gifts. Keep things simple and do-able. And, no debt. When the feeling of Holidaypalooza begins to set in or a task starts feeling like a chore, I sit back, focus, breathe, then remember and re-seize the reason for the season.  

The Ghost of Christmas Present told Ebeneezer Scrooge, “There is never enough time to do or say all the things we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have.” Boy, did that ghost get it right.

The holidays are about light and hope, memories and magic - not about crossing every line off your list. “Everything changed the day he figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in his life,” my friends, the StoryPeople, say. I try to remember that.  

This holiday season is off to a happy start for me. I feel relaxed and thankful and like it’s time for the fun to begin. I started shopping early this year. The house is decorated and our Christmas trees look shiny and bright. My little dog Zoobie wore her Santa suit to the Christmas parade the other day and that made a lot of people smile and wave.

My mailman says he’s delivering more packages earlier this year than in any year he can remember. He says he’s stopping at houses that usually never get mail. His theory is the recession is finally over and people have more money to spend this year. I hope so. And, I hope they’re ordering things that make them happy to buy, not things to cross off their lists.

Christmas is the time of year when it seems easier for us to get it right – to laugh more, smile broader, hum a tune and believe in the best. It’s also a time of year when we feel like being kinder and more generous.

One of my favorite Christmas stories is about that grouchy old Grinch – how he stole the Whos’ Christmas and it came just the same. I try to keep our Christmases that way, too – not focused on packages and tags, but on each other and the many blessings we share.  

So, “Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Whos far and near. Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas Day will always be, just as long as we have we.”

 

give

“Just as a puppy can be more of a challenge than a gift, so too can the holidays.” – John Clayton

Mr. Clark and I just finished the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers, but we are by no means done being thankful. A few Christmases ago, Mr. Clark was out of work and things were grim at our house. There were no gifts. We had food, but it was simple and there were no leftovers. The New Year loomed large, scary and unknown…The simplicity and sadness of that Christmas has stuck with me, even though we are now blessed with bounty again.  

The holidays are such a wonderful time, yet also a time of such challenge for so many. The stark contrast between “have” and “have not” seems particularly clear this time of year. While I am wrapping gifts, others will have no Christmas. While Mr. Clark is busy preparing meal after delicious meal, others don’t have enough food to feed their families. While I set my thermostat at 70 and enjoy cozy fires, others are bone cold with no prospect of warmth.

It’s important to remember that, take a moment to reflect on our many blessings and the Christmas’ that lacked cheer. We can encourage those who are struggling. We can give, we can share and we can do whatever we can to help, especially during this special time of the year.   

Here are a few options:   

- Barrow County Cooperative Benevolence Ministries (BCCBM) has run the local food bank and helped those in need in many other ways for 30 years now. Recently food collected locally (in food drives conducted by non-local organizations) has been diverted out of Barrow County. This has left our food pantry shelves bare, so donations of food and funds are urgently needed. Donations can be taken to the Barrow Food Pantry, 41 E. Candler St. 4:30-5:00 p.m. Mon.-Fri. or left next door at the Clothes Closet Thrift shop, 9:30 a.m.-1 p.m. Mon.-Sat. Pantry director Al Brown will pick up large donations, call 770-868-7269. Funds can be sent to the BCCBM, PO Box 547, Winder, GA 30680. For more information, call Gwen Hill, 770-867-3925. (Donations are tax deductible.)

- Barrow County Holiday Connection is a cooperative effort between Barrow County Family Connection/Communities in Schools and churches and local service organizations. For the past 15 years, it has provided Christmas gifts for kids whose families otherwise would do without. Each year hundreds of families are helped - some are “adopted” by individuals, churches or other groups; the rest are invited to “shop” at the Holiday Connection store which is stocked with toys that are donated or bought with donated funds. Toys can be dropped off at the Barrow County Chamber of Commerce, South State Bank and any Barrow County School. Funds can be sent to FC/CIS of Barrow County, PO Box 278, Winder, GA 30680. For more information, contact Melinda Shealey, melinda.shealy@barrow.k12.ga.us or call the Holiday Connection Hotline, 770-868-4258. The deadline for donations is Dec. 12. .

- Winder Health Care & Rehab Center, 263 E. May St., collects donations each year for a Christmas Store where residents can shop for free for gifts for themselves and loved ones. New items are preferred and items for all ages are accepted. Suggested donations include: house coats, gowns, pajamas, pocketbooks, jewelry, slippers, sweaters, jackets, and sweatpants. The deadline is Dec. 17. For more information or to help with the store, contact Brenda Bramblett, 770-867-2108.

Our furry friends also need help during the holidays. Many pets are surrendered to animal shelters or simply “put out” this time of year. The volunteer group at Barrow County Animal Control, in partnership with Leftover Pets (the local non-profit spay/neuter clinic) helps animals who end up at the shelter in many different ways. Their efforts are not funded by the county and donations are tax deductible. For more information or to donate, go to www.BarrowPets.org or www.LeftoverPets.org and click on Donations. Funds to help shelter animals (marked “BCAC vaccines”) or for Leftover Pets can also be sent to Leftover Pets, 610 Barrow Park Drive, Winder, GA 30680.  

Also, don’t forget those who are struggling in silence – people who are used to taking care of themselves and giving to others who are now out of work or having trouble making ends meet, dealing with illness or death, or hit by some calamity. Often it doesn’t even occur to them to ask for help or a handout. Imagine what a difference a $20, $50 or $100, or a gift card can make in bringing them hope and helping them through tough times.

None of us know what tomorrow will bring. At any time, this glorious excess I am currently enjoying can be snatched by an unforeseen act of God, a death, an illness, or some harsh twist of fate…Pastor Liz on Garrison Keillor’s A Prairie Home Companion speaks of “giving what you do not have” which is certitude. “Give certainty to others as a gift,” she says. What a precious thought.

We can’t give the gift of true certitude, but we can offer a few moments of certitude, over and over again. Here, take this toy, this money, this gift card or donation…Take this ham or turkey or box of food…Give something for the animals…Offer up a blanket or a coat…Here are a few moments of certitude and hope, for you, from me…

Luciano de Crescenzo said, "We are each of us angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing one another." What a lovely thought, especially for the holiday season. There’s no better time than now to reach out and fly a little closer to each other.