Lacking resilience, who me?

"You can get sympathy or you can get better but you can't get both." - Mario Cortes

How does adversity effect you? Do you have solid coping skills? How quickly do you bounce back after something upsets, angers or disappoints you? Are you easily hurt? Do you have trouble letting things go? Do you stew and obsess? These are the kinds of questions you'll find if you Google resilience tests and take one or two.  

I did that the other day on a dare from my daughter-in-law; she'd just taken a test in the latest edition of Newsweek and found out she is not resilient. My results indicate I'm not resilient either; no surprise there. I consider myself to be a strong person, yet the smallest of things can ruin my day. Example: Mr. Clark and I went for brunch. I wanted to go to our favorite spot; he wanted to try something new. We ate at a place we've never been to before and it was the WORST dining experience of our lives. (He agreed.) He blew it off as a live and learn. My day was shattered. At one point I actually fought back tears, which thankfully I was able to do. Even someone as un-resilient as me knows it's unacceptable to cry over a bad brunch.

Resilience is the quality that allows us to survive and even gain strength from hardship. Obviously, it's a good trait to have, so why do some of us lack it? One website said having a clear sense of identity and purpose makes us more resilient because that helps us hold fast to our vision of the future. Since J.R. Tolkien's "All who wander are not lost," has been my life theme, lack of identity and purpose might explain lack of resilience for me...  

The Newsweek article said it has to do with the way our brains are wired. Resilient people have more activity on the left side of their prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that handles thinking and decision making. It also sends calming signals to the amygdala, which is the equivalent of our brain as a petulant two-year-old. The more "white matter" you have connecting the prefrontal cortex to the amygdala, the quicker those calming messages get through, which means the more resilient you are. I suppose being lean on "white matter" could explain my lack of resilience, too.  

I'm not sure I buy these test results completely, though. My daughter-in-law teaches severely autistic pre-schoolers. That is a rough environment laden with minute to minute challenges that must be recovered from or all hell breaks lose in her classroom. Not only has she continued to show up for work each day, but over the years, she has become a strong, focused, gifted teacher of those special children. That seems pretty resilient to me.

For years, I was an emergency room social worker. Talk about a challenging environment - a day when I didn't help a family in extreme distress or hold someone's hand while they watched a loved one die was considered a good day. Not only did I do that work willingly, I found it to be extremely rewarding. And, was I resilient? Yes.

My daughter-in-law and I decided there must be two resilience monitors - one for the little stuff that breaks us both down so easily and one for the big stuff that demands we be at our best. Something happens at work that bends us out of shape and we are stung by it for hours; a profound challenge comes our way, and you're looking at the Rocks of Gibraltar.    

Since I've already found out that I am HSP (a hyper-sensitive person) and an introvert, adding this un-resilient diagnosis to my colorful personality portfolio doesn't bother me. As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam." But, for those who wish to live in a less fragile state more of the time, the good news is the brain can be retrained and exercised into becoming more resilient.

Mediation and practicing "mindfulness" can help your brain learn to calm itself more effectively. Being generous and upbeat in a conscious manner, more of the time will also help keep your brain calm. Doing activities that soothe, please and interest us can help strengthen those connections that make up our "white matter." And, as with all things, perspective is the key. One can look at being resilience-challenged as something that needs to be fixed or, as Greta Crosby put it, something that "makes artists of us as we weave new patterns in the fabric of our lives." Come to think of it, I've always wanted to try weaving...