about transitions, big and small

"We should find perfect existence through imperfect existence." - Shunryu Suzuki

A young friend of mine asked me to write about transition. She is the mother of two small children who works full-time. She said she struggles with transitions - "not the major ones, but the daily ones" like "going from super worker bee to super mom." She said she thought the "answer" might be found in meditation or "present moment awareness," but she tends to "lose sight of that in the hustle of life."    

I was flattered that she was curious about any insight I might have. And, who on any given day, hasn't experienced her quandary? I am challenged by transition all of the time.

Transition is different from change or transformation. Change implies alteration with or without consent or control. Transformation implies change of a permanent type. Transition is the process we go through during change, during transformation and between the every day events of our lives.

There is the transition from dream to sleep and from sleep to awake; from home-self to work-self; from parent to child to no family-context-self. We transition from caretaker to caregiver, from mother to wife, from daughter to mother, from mother to friend...At work, we move between worker, teacher, learner and supervisor. And, there are all of the emotional transitions - from strong to weak, energetic to tired, happy to sad, bored to fulfilled, needed to needy, aware to oblivious. Transition is the constant in every day.

How do we handle all of this shifting and moving about? As with all things, some people transition more gracefully than others. Part of it is people are made of different emotional and intellectual fibers. Some are more easily affected by the ebb and flow, changes and challenges life presents; others let things roll, like water off a duck's back. Introspective people are more affected by transition than "in the moment" folks. Fearful or apprehensive people find transition difficult because change is scary and transition is how we change. Transition can also be confusing; it involves going from the known to the unknown; and, often, it doesn't happen on our preferred schedule or at our preferred pace.

Like my young friend, I handle major transitions better than minor ones. High school to college, college to work, single to married, married to motherhood - I moved through those pretty easily. Those were transitions I chose, prepared and planned for. It's the unexpected transitions, the ones we have no control over that make me struggle. They can be big, like "now my husband's out of work," or "my daughter has to have appendix surgery - today." Or, they can be small, like the car won't start or the plumbing clogs or one of the pets gets sick. These things all involve a shift from, "Things are going just fine," to "What now and how do I cope?" That's a shift I don't like to make.

High personal standards or being a perfectionist doesn't help ease in transition, either. Setting the bar too high results in trouble shifting gears. My young friend is intelligent, gifted, energetic and has very high standards. It's no wonder it's hard for her to move between roles. When I'm busy being the perfect worker, I work longer and harder than my family prefers. In order to meet my personal standards as a mother, I'd have to quit my job. The same goes with housework and yard work and life's other details. If perfect is what I'm striving for, there's no way to achieve that. Balance and compromise will help me transition more easily and I need to be less hard on my self.  

My strategy for becoming a better transitioner, over time, has been to more willingly embrace chaos and imperfection; to accept that no single endeavor of mine will ever meet my personal standards; and, be okay with that. Learning to seek balance means letting some things slide. 

One of my favorite sources for thought along these lines is The Story People - a series of books, artwork, products, daily quotes, etc. generated by Brian Andreas, an artist, sculptor and storyteller with a very unique take on life. It's almost like he's one of those rare, delightful schizophrenics who, off meds, sees and hears things the rest of us don't - in a good way. The Story People are big on chaos and how perfect imperfection is.

Two of my favorite Story People quotes are: "She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It's easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said." and "I'm beginning to think peace is something we made up to keep us from being satisfied with all this luscious chaos."

I keep these quotes taped near my computer to remind me that when something unexpected happens, all I have to do is transition. If what I am doing is interrupted by something else and I accept the transition, it's easier to believe that what comes next could be interesting, pleasant and possibly even transformitory. And, if the outcome of the interruption is bad, a gentle transition makes it easier to deal with what comes next.