surviving the "stay-cation"

"I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps." - Rocky

Mr. Clark took some time off for a "stay-cation" last week and I'm proud to say we survived it. Vacations are easy to not only survive, but enjoy - they're all fun, new places and excitement. "Stay-cations," on the other hand, mostly involve work - work around the house, work in the yard, extra meals, extra dishes, extra laundry, etc. If you want to find out how comfortable you've grown with the spaces in your marriage, spend a week together doing not such pleasant things. It will become obvious, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

Our "stay-cation" was challenging because our house is big, our yard is bigger and both are a mess. Also, Mr. Clark's job involves being gone most of the time, which means I've gotten used to being by myself. I have routines and it's hard to give them up, even for a week, even for the sake of spending "quality time" with my beloved. He likes music in the morning; I like NPR. He likes cooking; I don't like a kitchen mess. He likes listening to baseball; I don't like sports.

None of these differences are substantial and for that I am thankful and well-blessed. However, in the absence of substantial differences, minor ones seem bigger. After 33 years, we understand this, so we also scheduled some "dates." We went to a concert, had a couple of meals out and visited a botanical garden. We dressed up to do these things, combed our hair, I put on makeup - we don't normally do that for rattling around the house on weekends. It turns out Mr. Clark's a handsome guy and I clean up okay. (We did discover, however, that even at our pretend E-Harmony date best, we get seated towards the back of restaurants. We decided it's because restaurants want it to look like their clientele is hip, young and fashionable - not old people on E-Harmony dates. Fair enough...)

The "stay-cation" involved so much manual labor that we suffered a harsh realization about how out of shape we've become. In our minds, we're still fit and able to work all day without consequences. In reality, by the end of those "stay-cation" days, it was all we could do to walk the dogs and that was done with a crippled, hobbling sort of gait. "Who are these old people and when did we become them?" was a frequent topic of conversation.   

As often happens when we spend too much time together, there were a few tiffs, some harsh words, and a door or two slammed. When you've been married as long as we have, you learn how to hurt each other quickly and badly. Getting past the hurt, forgiving and forgetting is part of staying married and over time, Mr. Clark and I have gotten better at that.  

I photographed weddings for awhile and even though I did a lot of them, I was always surprised by the surety with which young couples say their vows and the lit up way they stare into each other's eyes. Mr. Clark and I got married as a sort of a lark and our approach has always been more like Antoine de Saint-Exupery's "love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

We do work well together and we dream the same kind of dreams. By now, we've been through so much together that neither of us is able to imagine being with anyone else. He's a part of me; I'm a part of him; together we've made this life. That's what makes it possible for us to reconnect during those times when harsh words fly or the fire flickers out.        

If being in love is an "unconditional commitment to an imperfect person" then Mr. Clark and I are doing just fine. The "stay-cation" gave us ample opportunity to connect with each other's imperfections. It also offered plenty of time to enjoy each other's company. Marriage is nothing, if not a process and for us, the process has always been about growing apart and reconnecting. We did both of those things during the "stay-cation" and in spite of the sweat and muscle aches, by the end of the week we agreed that Mr. Clark will take another "stay-cation" next year and this time we will strive to not only survive, but actually enjoy it.