that red-eyed monster, anger

“Don’t say something permanently hurtful just because you’re temporarily upset.” – Buddhist Boot Camp, Facebook

 

I grew up in a loud family where yelling was an acceptable way of communicating and anger was an accepted emotion. “I yell because I care” was my Dad’s motto and somehow we knew that was true. His yelling not only didn’t hurt us - it showed us how very much he did, indeed, love us.

 

In the Sinn family, frustration is expressed by cussing profusely and/or kicking inanimate objects – never people, never animals – just objects. Project isn’t going well? Insufficient progress? Toss your hat on the ground and stomp on it – you’ll feel better in no time, guaranteed.   

 

This kind of behavior is not understood by most folks. To many, anger is an unpleasant scary emotion that causes one to recoil – it’s not the simple emotional currency it is in my family. Our anger is as quickly forgotten as it is to heat up. No apologies needed; the explosion happened and now it’s over, no permanent damage done.

 

As I quickly discovered, expressing anger the way my family does causes damage and can result in irreparable harm.   

 

When I was younger and had much more going on, as well as much more at stake, I was angry a lot. I lost my temper easily and hurt a lot of people along the way. I remember how my kids used to come to me tentatively with a problem, nervously laughing about whether they should “unleash the She Bear” in me. At the time it seemed funny, now not so much.

 

My form of anger is the verbal knife – sharp, cutting, cruel. I don’t kick objects – I leave scars. Now that my kids are grown and age has leveled my hormones, life is calmer and I rarely lash out. Anger is less of an issue for me than it’s ever been, but occasionally it rears its ugly red-eyed head. I am reminded how powerful my old friend is and how important it is to control her.   

 

One of my favorite books about anger was published in 1985 and spent some time on the New York Times Best Seller List. In The Dance of Anger, Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. offers these thoughts:  1.) “Anger is a signal” – a powerful one to tell us what’s going on in and around us. 2.) “Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is.” 3.) “If feeling anger signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it.” 4.) “Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all.” 5.) Learn to recognize the true source of the anger, rather than simply display the symptoms. “What is the real issue? What about this situation makes me angry?”

 

Lerner’s notion is for us to learn to “use anger as a tool for change” – rather than a weapon. She advocates learning better communication skills as an important part of that.

 

Another way of looking at anger is from a philosophical or Buddhist perspective. C. JoyBell C. puts it well: “Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow…On flowing water travels little paper boats; paper boats of forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow, along with all the paper boats of forgiveness. Be human.” 

Jim Butcher says, “Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters…You can use it to build or to destroy. You have to make the choice." This is a very helpful, powerful way to look at anger – as a catalyst for needed change.  

 

An old friend of mine, John R. Rifkin, Ph.D., wrote an also very useful book called The Healing Power of Anger. “ In it, he describes anger as containing energy – energy which makes us more action-oriented. He says, “Power is the use of energy to act on the work so that it meets your needs. This energy frequently comes from anger when we are responding to an injury.”

 

I like thinking of my old red-eyed friend Anger in this way – as a tool, a source of energy, a catalyst. The trick is to breathe and count to 10 before I pop off and say things I regret, doing damage that can’t be undone.     

 

This, from the Buddhist Boot Camp Facebook page, is a habit I am trying to establish: “Before speaking (or typing), ask yourself these three questions - Is what I’m about to say true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If it’s not all three, don’t say, email or text it. Become a contributor to a quieter, more honest and sincere world. Be part of the solution, not the pollution.”

 

My red-eyed friend likes this approach. It’s good for her self-esteem and what’s good for Lady Anger is certainly good for me. 

  

 

Valentine's Day...true love...wine...and chocolate...

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” – Emily Bronte

OR

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

Valentine’s Day has always been awkward for me; I feel the same about New Year’s Eve. It’s like everyone is feeling festive, romantic and special and there I sit, all Hallmark-carded-up with no place to go and no one waiting for me…It’s not that Mr. Clark and I don’t love each other. We do, very much so, and have for 38 years now. It’s just that our love is the slow burning, steady kind - built over time, no fireworks in the sky.

 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big believer in “true love” - my theory is that there are two types. One is the kind Mr. Clark and I share. It’s steady and solid – those two St. Exupery souls looking ahead together, rather than staring into each other’s eyes. The other is the soulmate kind – a love that was always intended and simply has to be. This is Browning’s love, the love Shakespeare wrote about and Soloman sang about - the love novels, poems and songs salute. Those couples can and actually do spend hours staring into each other’s eyes – sharing a love the rest of us can only dream about.  

 

My maternal grandparents were soulmates. They found true love at the age of 13 and 14. He had just finished eighth grade and was off to make his way as a farmer in Eastern Kansas. Since she was a year younger, he waited for her to finish school, then asked her to marry him. They started what turned into their grand adventure together on Valentine’s Day, 1928.  

 

During their 72 years together, their small farm grew into a big one. They raised four children and were blessed with eight grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren before my Grandpa died. Since they were farmers and so much in love, there wasn’t a single day they didn’t spend together – living, laughing and working side by side. Even as a kid, I could see something special in their relationship, something that, as much as my parents loved each other, their relationship lacked.

 

My Grandpa died 15 years ago, the day after Valentine’s Day. He was in the hospital and things were grim. My Grandma said one of the last things he said was, “I’ll stick with you, Kid, until after our special day.” And, he did. She is 101 now and still misses him fiercely. She says sometimes she feels his hand lightly on her shoulder or hears him whisper “Kid!” softly in the night…And, as much as she’s enjoyed living, she says she’s ready to go home to him.

 

My son-in-law’s grandparents have an equally sweet story of true love and a long life spent together. She says she fell in love with him when he was in the third grade and she was in the second. It was Show-and-Tell Day and he brought a duck to school. Something about the sight of him in his short pants, hair all slicked back, holding that duck so proudly on the school stage earned him her heart right there and then. They enjoyed nearly 60 years together before he passed away and he, too, remains sorely missed.     

 

I was a wedding photographer for a few years, so I captured many couples’ “Special Moments” during their “Special Day.” Some really do seem like soulmates; others are a solid match. Most wedding days are festive and fun, but the soulmate celebrations were my favorite. There’s a magic in the air, as if a long-dreamt dream is finally coming true. Those couples breathe, dance, laugh and move in complete unison and with such ease – it’s amazing and beautiful and something the rest of us, happily married as we may be, can only wistfully wonder at.

 

My daughter and her husband are soulmates - I’m sure of it. They met in a high school art class. He was a senior; she was a freshman. He tried to set her up with his best friend, then realized that she belonged with him. They went to his senior prom, her senior prom and made it through the long distance college years. They married the summer after she graduated and theirs is a truly happy romance. She lives for him, he lives for her and they have so much fun together - in nearly 18 years, they’ve never had a fight.

 

It’s a blessing to have enjoyed true love – the St. Exupery or Browning kind – whether for a long while or briefly. And, it’s a blessing to have Mr. Clark at my side. But, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All mankind love a lover” - maybe even more so on Valentine’s Day. Here’s to a full heart and true love, whatever form it comes in – whether it be gazing into your soulmate’s eyes or sipping red wine, savoring dark chocolate and watching a movie that gives you a happy cry.     

a well-deserved award

“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.” – Margaret Mead

The Barrow County Animal Shelter and the Barrow County Animal Control Shelter Volunteer Group were recently awarded the 2014 Community Service Award by the Barrow County Chamber of Commerce. And, what a well-deserved honor that is for the dedicated staff, leadership and volunteers who give of themselves so willingly and generously in an effort to help animals at the shelter live better lives while they are there and have a better chance at finding their second chance.  

It has not always been this way. Years ago (over 20, in fact) while I was reporting for a now-gone local newspaper, I had the distinct non-pleasure of writing a story about how the animal control director was allegedly shooting dogs rather than euthanizing them. Whether “for sport” or to “save the taxpayers money” – the alleged acts where heinous. There were also rumors of tortured cats. When the story broke, that director resigned and thankfully nothing nearly that terrible has happened since.  

I’ve worked for two other local papers and covered other animal control news – some good, some bad. I’ve also photographed “Pets of the Week” for those papers to publish and post online. This has meant so many shelter visits and so many, many hours spent staring into shelter animals’ poor sad eyes. Even when times were good at the shelter, the euthanasia rate was high and the adoption/rescue rates low. I ended most of my shelter visits in tears, overwhelmed by the scope of the hopelessness.

Then, in the spring of 2013 things began to change. The previous director, who wouldn’t allow volunteers in the shelter, resigned. Interim director Jimmy Terrell was hired and shortly thereafter a productive, enthusiastic core of knowledgeable volunteers asked to start a volunteer program at the shelter. Terrell agreed and the rest, as they say, is history.

Currently, there are over 40 volunteers who offer their services at the shelter in a variety of ways. Some have extensive rescue ties. They help place animals with rescues all over NE GA and indeed, the United States. A pregnant Pit Bull who delivered eight puppies the day she arrived is now living happily in Maine, all eight puppies placed and well cared for. Shelter dogs go to Florida, Tennessee, N. and S. Carolina - all over the place. An often miraculous web of transport arrangements is made and a few Barrow volunteers also specialize in providing “freedom rides.” Thanks to all of this, the local rescue rate has gone WAY up.

Other volunteers specialize in dog behavior; they work with adopters to be sure a good match is made or see that a problem in the new home is quickly corrected. Some volunteers walk the dogs and play with them. The more experienced volunteers do “temperament tests” to see what kind of personality the dogs have, if they are good with other dogs, how they react to kids, and glean other useful information like that to help adopters find just the right dog.   

A few volunteers specialize in kittens and cats. They play with them, socialize them, photograph them and in collaboration with Leftover Pets (the local low cost, non-profit spay neuter clinic) find amazing numbers of them rescues or homes. Volunteers clean kennels, offer dog beds and make sure the animals have plenty of fresh water. Many give treats and chew bones. Some give really dirty dogs baths or groom badly matted ones. A few spend hours sitting in the kennel with a particularly scared, old or fragile dog, simply offering comfort.

There are volunteers who solicit pledges for foster care and treatment of sick animals, and volunteers who vaccinate puppies and kittens so they don’t get sick. Some volunteers want to help, but get too sad seeing the animals, so they wash food bowls, do laundry and help maintain the shelter landscape.

Basically, the volunteers do things the staff doesn’t and never has had time to do. Cooperation and appreciation is mutual between the staff, leadership and volunteers. The whole thing works really well. As a result, adoption rates are WAY up and the number of animals euthanized is WAY down.

I used to dread going to shelter, knowing I would leave heartsick and in tears. These days I mostly leave with happy tears because on most days, the shelter is a pleasant place teeming with hope and happy endings. Frankly, I never thought I’d be able to type words like this about the shelter for any local newspaper.  

So thank you, volunteers. Thank you, staff. Thank you, leadership. The animals can’t thank you, but if they could, you know you’d get a big old furry hug, some tail wagging, an enthusiastic purr and maybe a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek. Oh, wait a minute! The animals already do thank you all, each and every day in these very ways. Good work!

For information and updates, go to Saving Barrow County Animal Control Pets on Facebook and to the volunteer website at www.barrowpets.org. Information on Leftover Pets and their services is at www.leftoverpets.org The shelter can always use more volunteers – trainings are offered regularly. And donations of bleach, paper towels and laundry soap are always welcome. The shelter is located at 616 Barrow Park Drive, Winder.