“Some years are more challenging than others…this past year has been a bitch.” – me  

It’s time for me to write again.

My last newspaper column was March 11, 2015. Before that I wrote weekly, if not daily, for years. What happened?

Life and a barrage of changes…bam, bam, bam…one after another. I was too busy making it through; there was no time for reflection or words.

My friend, Kathy, writes. Recently she presented a challenge - write for 20 minutes each day – it doesn’t matter, just write. She does this and it helps her remain creative and contemplative, engaged and alive. Ok, I can do that, I said.

But only after I chronical this past year - a year that nearly got the best of me several times. I need to acknowledge the challenges, the fatigue, the sadness, the grief. I need to let this past year go before I move ahead…  

So, these are the things I did and dealt with and didn’t write about during the past 17 crazy, exhausting, whirlwind, change-filled months:

February 28, 2015 – on a whim, Mr. Clark and I went to see a lake house and bought it that evening. It is now our home – a log cabin on 4 acres, with a dock and a nice cove on Lake Hartwell.

We’d been thinking about “scaling back/downsizing” for a couple of years. This house was pretty and affordable, and in the world of lake houses, you never see 4-acres. Plus, the seller took our low-ish offer that night instantly on the phone. It seemed like it was meant to be…

March, 2015 – we started sorting, donating, trashing and giving away most of the nice (and not so nice, but necessary) things we’d collected during the past 25 years. A big house, two attics and a storage building full of stuff and memories - it was gut-wrenching.

Plus, we really loved that wonderful, big, old house. As young parents, we’d renovated it. Our kids grew up there; their friends grew up there; we all grew there. A big crowd of our most loved ones stayed there when our daughter got married and again for our son’s wedding, which took place in our back yard – a yard so beautiful and lush we called it “Clark Park.”   

It was almost unbearable to think of leaving that beloved home, and yet, that is exactly what our whim/fate/the good Lord had us committed to doing. We gave most everything away – I couldn’t face having a tag sale where people would haggle over the price of our memories.

April, 2015

-          1st – we bought an old pontoon boat. I barely survived towing it behind our old pickup truck - 25 traffic-laden, fear-filled miles – THE scariest things I’ve ever done.    

-          8^th – we closed on the lake house = there’s no going back now.  

-          9^th  – we moved to the lake house. So many trips back and forth, so many tears shed…There were so many times I wanted to take it all back and not change a thing.

-          12th – Mr. Clark began a new assignment in Albuequerque, NM = I’m mostly in this alone at this point…

-          19^th – we got a contract on our beloved Big Old White House - a nice young family who seemed like they would  love and take care of our no longer, but still dear home.

-          23rd – my little, old, very precious Poodle, Zoobie became very sick and nearly died – pancreatitis, nearly always fatal. After a rough, long week, she survived.  

-          Also that week – the boat stopped running and had to be fixed; an electrician came to take care of several severe wiring issues in the new home; the survey required to get dock transferred to us happened + the ranger visited to officially make the transfer.  

May, 2015:

-          2^nd – 4^th – our amazing contractor Charles + crew spent a 24/7 weekend making several messy, loud, but necessary changes to the new home.  

-          4th – inspection of Big Old White House. (passed – whew!)

-          6^th – appraisal of Big Old White House. (came in ok – whew!)  

-          7th – new furniture and appliance delivery to the lake house. (accidentally ordered a gas, not electric stove – corrected with a trip in the junky old pickup truck.)  

-          9^th – shabby, but sincere lake house garden planted. (The soil is awful…)

-          22nd – closed on the Big Old White House = it’s final. The new life is the only life now.  

-          Memorial Day weekend – the kids visit and give the new life 8 thumbs up. Bonus - we spotted an owl family living in a tree right outside our sunroom.

June, 2015

-          8^th  - 11^th - my Dad’s visit from Colorado. He gave up planes and travel years ago, so this was really special. “I wanted to see where you landed,” he said, later proclaiming the new situation “just dandy.” We had a really good time – our last really good time…  

-          End of June – 3 of  our 5 dogs + 1 grand dog got  the “Dog Flu” – a nasty epidemic, very contagious, sometimes fatal.

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July, 2015

-          “Dog Flu” persisted through late July. Old Lab mix Petey almost died, but thankfully, all 6 dogs made it through.

-          23^rd - two teenage nieces, sisters, come from CA for their annual summer visit. The 16-year-old had a great time and left on Aug. 2. We invited the 14-year-old to stay  – she’d had a rough few years and it felt like the right thing to do…

August, 2015

-          3^rd - after 15 years we have a teenager in our lives again. This would’ve been a challenging change in our “old life” where there was a support systems, friends, plenty of space and we could get to everything in 10 minutes. Our new life is out in the country, in a small house, a good 25 minutes from everything…

-          10th – niece’s 1^st day of high school – and so the adventure began. Ample adjustments to life styles and expectations + so many trips to the bus stop, the school, the doctor, the therapist, the orthodontist, the YMCA, shopping, etc. She tried hard; we tried hard; it was hard.  

-          17th – tree men did a lot of needed work = safety issues = $$$

-          19^th  – HVAC man does some needed work = comfort issues = $$ (Also, our 36^th wedding anniversary – why renew vows when you can start a new life…?!)

-          25^th - -27^th  – Charles + crew return to build a room for our niece and build a guest cottage, as our new life has no place for our adult children + spouses to sleep now that we have a teenager. .

September, 2015

-          16th – my Dad went into the hospital in Colorado, very sick - pancreatitis + complications.

-          By 27^th his condition worsened significantly.

October, 2015

-          2^nd – 5th – I visited my Dad and family in CO. He’s a fighter, but he was very sick.

-          7^th   - rotten old dock is taken away + gravel laid on our long, steep, eroded drive.

-          14^th  – new dock arrives – beautiful, covered, $$$...

-          16^th – 19th – we send our daughter + husband to my visit my Dad and provide much needed support + bright energy for the family.

For the first time in my lifetime, I was needed elsewhere and could not go. Ed’s new work assignment was not yet flexible, I had a house full of elderly animals on multiple medications, no pet sitter and a teenager = We continued to make adjustments and drive, lots of driving. It’s not easy for the freshman or her ride to start a new life…

-          27^th – I went to be with my Dad and family; I ended up staying two weeks. He was very sick and nearly died. Such hard, sad times for us all…

November, 2015

-          10^{th –}  my Dad went  on hospice. He’d receive the care he needed at home. It seemed like  “time”…(Is it ever “time” for hospice…?)

-          12^th  –  Ed couldn’t work from home anymore; I returned to the lake house, which didn’t  feel much like home. 

-          22^nd – 26^th  – we sent our son + wife to visit my Dad and the family to provide moral support and a few laughs.

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December, 2015

-          3^rd  – I went on an antidepressant = life was getting the best of me.

-          5^th – Mr. Clark bought a “new” pontoon boat. The old one was too unreliable, problem-laden and exhausting. “If the only pleasant time we have in our new life is on the lake, we need to be able to get on the lake,” he said = fair enough. (I arranged for the old boat to go to storage, get repairs and be sold.)   

During December and on into January, my Dad had good days and bad; in general, he was improving.  

-          Christmas was quiet. We were glad to have the kids with us; we were all so sad and worried and blessed…

-          27^th – 30th – annual trip to a pet-friendly house in Hiawassee with the kids. It felt good to be away from our immediate reality…

January, 2016

-          8^th – “Good Bye” to our little, old, cantankerous but much loved rescue Terrier Roscoe.

-          9^th – 16^th  – went back to visit my Dad and family. He was better, but still much recovery work to be done…It was good to see that familiar glimmer in his eyes at times. There is hope…

-          16^th  – my Dad fell and had a seizure; another on January 17…

-          27^th  – we discovered that our niece had fallen down an obsessive, intensely emotional rabbit hole due to the “attention” of a senior ”player”/predator named Sergio. Their text records were appalling; we took her phone.

February, 2016

-          1st – Duck the Dog had surgery to remove 2 cancerous tumors from her legs.

-          3rd – niece got her phone back and lying, texting and obsessive behavior started again – since she couldn’t have the phone at night, it happened all day, every day, at school.  

-          5th – we buy a “new” old car, as the ancient Volvo wagon couldn’t sustain the miles it was getting.   

-          6^th – our niece’s grandmother in CA overdosed on pain meds and nearly died. Shortly thereafter, our niece’s mother went back into rehab.

-          9th – niece’s phone was taken by a teacher for excessive texting in his class = her phone is at the school for 20 school days. (After reviewing the phone records, I text the predator with a very clear message to stay completely away or the police will be at his door…)

-          10^th – my Dad’s wife called, tearful, at 9 p.m. He’s gone, passed suddenly after a pretty good few weeks and a very good day. (Probable pulmonary embolism. He went quickly and without much pain.)  Thankfully, I’d had the best conversation with him that evening – we talked a long time; he sounded good.  

And, so the surreal-ness begins…We cannot, any of us, face life without this man. He’s been such a force in so many lives for so many years. My heart/our collective hearts are broken.

-          13^th – 17^th – we sent all 4 kids to CO to be with my Dad’s wife, my sister and the family. The devastation is complete; we all agree – the kids’ energy is what is most needed.

-          16^th – our niece confesses that she’s bulimic and has been for the past 2 years. Duck the Dog gets her stitches out.

-          17^th – I write my Dad’s obituary (see next blog post.) I’m shattered, exhausted, worried, and sad, living behind some type of antidepressant veil – I feel, but not really…this all seems like too much…  

-          20^th – it became apparent that our niece’s bulimia is severe. We talk, research, cry, negotiate, come up with some new house rules and start the search for an eating disorders specialist.

Even though our niece was on the soccer team, doing okay in school and had some solid days, the rabbit hole Sergio lured her down was too deep, the eating disorder too serious…We all tried so hard, but she was getting worse, not better + her reputation at school had been severely damaged.

22^nd – the plumber dealt with the sump pump and septic issues resulting from binge-purging.

-          24^th – the owl family is back! In the same tree as last year = something cheery, finally.  

-          28^th – 1 year anniversary of the lake house purchase. It still doesn’t’ feel like home….

-          29^th – my sister came to visit for a week. She needed time away, we needed time together. We were still in shock – our Dad is gone…The kids came up and we laughed, cried, told stories and remembered…The guest cottage and the lake are healers...  

March, 2016

-          We continued with soccer, the aftermath of Sergio and a variety of new house rules based on our research and discussion. Our niece started seeing an eating disorders specialist…She remained lost….She says she wants to go back to CA. We talked with her mom and grandmother, and they agreed. We’d done all we could do and they were both feeling strong, having worked through their emotional upheavals…”Maybe we can heal together,” was our niece’s hope, our collective hope…

-          19^th – I went to visit family in CO. I’d planned a visit for my Dad’s 78^th birthday, which would’ve been March 22. We decided to keep that plan – we sorted through some of his things, settled some of his affairs and held a memorial service in E. CO, on the farm he worked years.  

-          22^nd – my Dad’s service. It was perfect and powerful, poignant and so very sad. The extended families gathered for lunch after…We cried, hugged, remembered, told stories and the healing began…

-          26^th – I returned home and our niece returned to CA.

-          29^th – I went off the antidepressant; it’s time to feel again.

April, 2016

-          2^nd – my sister came for another visit. The kids came for more time together and to spend some healing lake time.

-          4^th – 8^th – my cousin from CO visited with his wife and two young sons. They fit themselves into the guest cottage and we had a good time. It turns out life at the lake can be almost magical…

-          7^th – my sister went back to CO.

-          8^th – 1 year anniversary of closing on “newlifelakelife, as I call it on Instagram, I change the hashtag to #lakelifeisgood – it’s not a new life anymore, it’s our life.

-          9^th – 1 year anniversary of the move from our old life to our new life. Would I go back to our old life if I could? Maybe. Do I regret taking the plunge into “newlifelakelife? Not really. Change is hard; we just didn’t have any idea how hard when we started into this.

-          24^th – my dear friend of 38 yrs, Rosanne, visited for a week. We had a lovely time. We ate and chatted, took the boat out and talked about our Dads. She knew and loved my Dad; her Dad had recently died. (A month later she was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer – that’s the fight she’s fighting now…She says her time at #lakelifeisgood gave her strength for the battle.)  

-          26^th – crummy garden #2 is planted – the compost helped the soil, but it’s still weak.

May, 2016

-          2^nd – 6^th – Mr. Clark took a “staycation.” It’s time to start getting some traction again. The To Do lists from last July are still lying around, undone. It’s time to start building our lake life again.

-          3^rd – tree men round 2 = more safety issues = more $$

-          7^th-8^th – our son + wife + her mother visit. Her mom’s had a rough year health-wise, so it was especially nice to have her in the guest cottage and on the lake. She fished and enjoyed the time with us and her daughter. Yes, #lakelifeisgood.  

-          10^th – 8 baby chicks hatch from eggs a neighbor gave me = adorable and uplifting.

-          11^th – Kathy, the challenge issuer and another dear old friend from CO, visited for 5 days. Again, the guest cottage and the lake worked their magic…We had a really good time catching up. She hopes to come back soon…

-          22^nd – 1 year anniversary of the young family closing on the Big White House. I hope they’re happy there. They had the honey bees that always lived in the front column removed + they tore up 25 years-worth of gardenias, camellias, butterfly bushes and well-established flowers from the front yard - replaced with sod, pine straw and privet…It was sad to see; it’s clearly not our home anymore.

-          25^th – Mr. Clark bought a big, fast Wave Runner. “It’s time to raise the ante on the lake fun,” he said. He was right. .

-          Memorial Day Weekend – the kids came for some easy fun lake time…And, so we begin to breathe again…

 June, 2016

-          7^th – a high school friend of mine posts on FB that her youngest son died of a heart attack playing basketball at his gym. He was 28, a decorated Marine, survivor of several tours of duty in Afghanistan - by all accounts a great guy. He was engaged to be married in August.

I can’t imagine! They were a close family and a happy, loving one…That put my year of trials, tribulations, loss and challenges into perspective…Devastation and broken heart don’t even begin to describe that loss…

And so, my time of keeping dates ends and so does my time of needing to process this past “Year from Hell (with a bit of Heaven at times…)”

During all those difficult months a rage would rise within me; it made me bitter and mean. But, as the antidepressant fog lifted and the visitors visited, I began to realize that lake life really is good and my Dad really is gone…I have a life to build and a grief to process…And, the rage began to dissipate; slowly slipping away, to be replaced by a soft and thankful heart that often feels its broken-ness.    

On June 28 my friend Rosanne had the 1^st of 6 chemo’s, to be followed by surgery and radiation – by the time this is all behind her, the battle will have taken almost a full year. I’m looking forward to welcoming that warrior with a great attitude and a Mohawk back to #lakelifeisgood and let the lake and the guest cottage help her heal…Life is precious; we don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

The teenage room has been painted and redecorated; it’s a guest room now. Back in her CA life, our niece has good days and bad. We wish her well; she remains perseverant and brave.   

It feels good to be crossing things off the To Do list again, to slowly but surely build the new life. .

And, so the 20-minute challenge begins. Some days will be light and funny, others introspective or serious. It’s like a young friend said, “No, the world didn’t need another blog. Yes, I created one anyway.”  Check back, enjoy or never visit again. The point is, I’m breathing again, which means I need to write.

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